Missing My April

I was reading another manga yet again and finally decided to turn in for the night when I noticed that it was way beyond my bedtime. Tossing and turning, I finally got annoyed with my restless mind and turned to Facebook.

On my News Feed, a picture of an injured dog and its history showed. As an animal lover, of course my heart hurt for the poor thing. Scrolling past the images, my heart started feeling a familiar hurt. It's been almost three months since my April left me.

I just thought about how unfair it was that I had to lose what I held onto to keep my sanity intact when I was going through difficult times, that I had to lose my speechless friend, who even without the ability to speak managed to keep my afloat from all the stresses my job, boyfriend and even myself, gave me. It was unfair that irresponsible owners, when their pets no longer serve their wants, leave their pets to die while I, who loved my April, was so desperate to keep her.

She never failed to welcome me when I'd come home, always made me feel like I was the most special being, and consoled me in problematic times. She even went up against my Dad when he and I had a fight a while ago. She was there by my crying self, making that weird crying dog sound, restless, as if trying to ask me to stop crying.


She loved to sunbathe in the mornings, which was something she couldn't do when we lived in Cebu.

She loved bread. She'd eat bread her whole life if she could.

She definitely loved her kids. Even when they turned two, she'd still lick their ears, mouths and paws clean. When she passed on, I had to take more special care of them. I noticed that they'd start to have some build ups on these areas since their mom always cared for them.

She loved to be walked. When I'd hold the leash out, she'd come running and wait to be leashed. With the leash secured on her collar, she'd be the one to take me on a walk. We'd walk about 50 meters away from the house then she'd look back at the house and look all nervous. Then she'd pull me back to the house.

She barked at strangers with her tail in between her legs. If they were my friends visiting, I'd carry her over to my friends and introduce her. She'd still bark with her tail between her legs then she'd run away and hide under the house.

She's the best caring mother dog I ever knew. She was a little over a year old when Dana (another dog) was brought home. Dana still had gray eyes and was teeny tiny even when the rest of her litter were monstrous. She took care of Dana. Dana would sleep on top of her as if she was the comfy bed even when we gave Dana a pillow to sleep on.

She helped deliver her grandkids. When Chai-Chai gave birth, Chai-Chai was so nervous and scared that she didn't want to have to do anything with her first pup. It was April who cleaned her up, cut her cord and cleaned Chai-Chai up so the pup can start nursing. It was amazing watching another dog assist in the whelping of another. I just had to stay on the lookout because I wanted Chai-Chai to take responsibility for her pups. I was afraid that if I helped too much, she would reject the pups.

She helped nurse the pups. I thought it was harmless since the pups would crawl over to their grandmother and start sucking. Later on, I noticed they have been sucking more and more. I thought she didn't have milk since she wasn't the one that gave birth. But turns out she did. Mother dogs lactate if their nipples were stimulated enough. Chai-Chai would nurse two, while she nursed the other two.

When she passed on, people around me worried. I knew there was nothing I could do anymore. She was gone. She already went through that plane of existence that no one can cross unless they die. I was depressed and guilty and even tried to convince myself that I was just dreaming and that I'll wake up from this nightmare soon.

My Mom noticed that I had started withdrawing and told me that I shouldn't be so sad because April wouldn't be happy knowing how sad I was.

I still feel guilty and depressed every now and then over the pain of losing her, but I am happy she chose to spend the rest of her life with me and that she never failed to make me feel like the most loved human in the world.